The one that ended before it began

It has been forever since I posted. A lot has happened in between then and now. From my previous blog posts, it’s evident that I was in relationship that wasn’t working so well. I have since gotten out, I left and this time it’s for good. I went through so many stages, especially the ones of grieve. I have changed, I have grown a lot I can’t even recognize myself sometimes. But I thank God for bringing me through it all. They say you have to go through fire to be refined and I appreciate everything I been through. 

Well well, where do I even start??? After getting over my ex (the once love of my life) I decided I will not commit elsewhere. I wanted to be lone ranger/girl and for a while, it worked so well. For a few months I was happy with my life, school was good and work life was better. I had all the me time anyone can ever need. I was beginning to find my bliss. My very supportive girlfriends stopped telling me how I should get a man, they started on how I should go out and dance, just have fun like girls my age were doing. But I was not down with that, my life seemed perfect just the way it was…….

…………..then HE happened!!! Yes, a guy happened. I had met him once last year in Eldoret when I went for my best friend’s graduation party. He had been sitting at a table across from ours’. To date, it beats me how I had not noticed such a handsome man first. He came to our table, said hi to me, asked if I would like anything but I had pushed him away. Can’t he see I am well taken care of? I wondered. But he persisted and by the end of that night, he had bought me countless shots of tequila (LOL, yeah it was in a bar). Later on that night, I left the bar, no word to him and I travelled back home with my one of my pals. But the persistent guy he was, he got my number from my pal and he called the next day… he never gives up easy, yes. He called me almost every day for the remaining part of that year. In 2012, he tried meeting up with me, but I was with someone else, so I avoided him like a plague. Until 5 months ago when I broke up with my man, it got serious, the calls, the texts…. I liked him, he made me smile, he made me almost change my mind about men, about wanting to be alone. He was (or so I thought a good man). You see after my ex, I made it my goal to involve God in my relationships, so I prayed. I asked him to give me a good man. I listed all the traits I wanted in my good man and every day I would remind myself that not all men are dogs. And amazingly, he was a good man. Out of the 10 traits I had written down, he passed 8 of them. He was a gentleman, you see the kind that calls you last at night & first in the morning, the kind that opens doors and pulls chairs, the kind that holds your hand everywhere and lets you take 1^st position, the kind that brings breakfast in bed and asks what you want for lunch so that he can start preparing it, the kind that you just want to stay in with just to have him to yourself, the kind that keeps asking “honey, do you need anything??”, the kind that lets you chose the movie to watch, the one kind that lets you decide where to rave, kind that tells his guys today he is staying in with his girl, the kind that talks about babies with you, about his dreams and hopes, about his family….(I could go on and on)….. Bottom line is, he was a gentleman. And I was wowed!!! I remember the day I met him for the second time, I went to the washrooms and told God, “this could be him’, then I said “God I think this is him”. Then I said “God, make him the one’!!! Hahaha I was excited, who wouldn’t?? I told all my pals, even my mother….. Everybody!!

But then things changed, whoever said “when the deal is too good, think twice” must have been through what I have been through. I realized that he has too many women who think he is ‘THAT MAN’, just like yours truly. Women who call him at very odd hours with funny demands…. And like all men, he said “we are just friends” but I know that all too well. I am not a girl anymore, I am a woman. I don’t fall for that crap that easy. Been there before, and I know how that story ends. So I decided to obey the red lights. I decided to End it before it began!!! I am happy that it almost started, because now I am convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that there are good men out there. I am still smiling, I remember those few months with nostalgia, and I can almost see how we would have made a lovely couple. I am not angry or bitter, NO!! I am happy I had a chance to experience that. I am proud of myself because now I know how to be with a person for who they are, not who I hope they will become. That’s why I refused to let that relationship continue in the hope that he would change. That would have been a sure way of setting myself up for a nasty disappointment!!!

So this once wounded, broken girl has healed, has grown and is now thriving!! And I haven’t given up looking/praying for my good man, I know he does exist!!! Still I will keep searching for my kind of perfect!!! With God by my side, I will not go wrong!!!

XOXO

Counting My Blessings

Life has a way of teaching us things through many different experiences. I recently  found myself in a hard place. I lost all hope because according to me, God was slow to answer my prayers. I was angry, bitter and sad!! I couldn’t help but question God, why me? Why now? Till when? I stopped praying and I was sure that He had turned His face away from me. I forgot all that He had done for me and how far He had brought me and also how well He had preserved me. All this changed when I met this boy, my mother’s newest best friend. You see my mother is a teacher, so she gets along really when with this young earthlings….my mother met this boy during the April holidays, a brave young boy who even though hadn’t set foot in my mother’s school or any other for that matter knew her, he knew she was a teacher and everyday when he saw her, he would run to her and say hi…eventually they became friends. When schools opened for the second term, my mother noticed that she had never seen the boy in a school uniform. After doing her research, she learnt that the seven year old boy does not go to school. Why? His mother can’t afford it. I know we all know that primary education is free…but schools still need a little money, in his case, he was supposed to be paying Three hundred shillings per month. His mother, a mother of four other kids could not raise that. Whatever she had was for the others who were a bit older, in class eight and seven. The situation was so bad my mother had to go to the boy’s home……. And the situation was worse there, the older kids slept on the floor and most days of the week, they do without food, they have no table or place to do even their most basic studies (homework) they had no blankets. It was sad! My mother did the best she could, bought a mattress and blankets for the kids and enrolled her new friend at the school where she teaches. And every day, the boy comes to our place for super. When my mother is packing lunch she packs for two. Honestly she has done her best………… the reason I am writing this post is not brag of how my mother is a good woman, it is to share with you the lessons I have learnt from that situation… Before I met him, I used to complain because of almost everything, and everything that isn’t really that important, like how my hair hasn’t been done for only three weeks, or how I have eaten mchele for two consecutive days or how it was cooked, or how cold the floor is for my feet, how my school is far from town, how our tv does not connect to certain channels….and about those things that were rather important like if I get to finish my Advocates Training Programme, or how my job doesn’t pay well, how NEED a new black, leather designer handbag, or that pair of shoes…. Blah blah blah and so on, my point is I used to complain a lot. But meeting this boy gave new a totally new outlook on life. I am challenged; I am compelled to start doing things differently. 

So every day when I wake up in the morning, as I am getting ready for the day I say THANK YOU GOD….and I state what it is I am thankful for. From having a good peaceful night, I thank Him for my comfortable bed, I thank Him for the roof over my head, I thank Him for health and peace, I thank Him for my  job, I thank Him for giving me opportunities at school from nursery to university and now for Kenya School of Law, I thank Him for every meal I will afford that day, I thank Him for His care and protection, I thank Him for my family, my friends and my colleagues, I thank Him for all the opportunities He gives me, I thank Him for giving me a whole body (that I am not disabled), I thank Him for everything. Especially for all the things that I had been taking for granted over the years, especially those!! I don’t forget to remind Him of my desires and my dreams too….. I pray that He fulfills all of them, that He continues being faithful like He has always been. I pray for that young boy who is just starting to make his mark in this cruel world, I ask God to give him courage to overcome life’s most unbearable moments that he grows to be a brilliant bright boy, that he has an extremely successful future. I pray for my mother, that God continues to bless her with more so that she can keep giving and never lacking. That she lives a long happy and fulfilled life.

I have changed, I have grown. I don’t complain as much, I thank A LOT. Every morning, I wake up, and I count MY BLESSINGS, I name them one by one, and every day, it still surprises me what the Lord has done!!!

Letting Go

if i was writing in my diary, i would have started with "dear diary" i love writing there. Anyway i don't have much to say, okay who im i kidding i have alot to say about letting go but not here. I keep saying i am such a mess. i don't know why i make so many mistakes that are rather stupid. and worse is i don't know why i keep repeating the same mistakes over and over.

Anyway today my friend posted something on facebook and i just sat there thinking, oh my God, is he talking to me??? Let me share it with you.

                                "If someone comes into your life and has a positive impact on you, but for some reason they can’t stay, be thankful that your paths crossed and that they somehow made you happy, even if it was just for a short while. Life is change. People really do come and go. Some come back, some don’t, and that’s okay. And just because one person leaves, doesn’t mean you should forget about everyone else who’s still standing by your side. Continue to appreciate what you have, and smile about the memories."

this is enough for me to know at least for now!!!

Godspeed beautiful people!!

Pledge

Friendship

Friendship is a beautiful thing. When we were young it was about who you love sharing your candy with and your toys and dolls, then we grow up it is so much more. Not just about sharing the good times and having fun or being there when they have problems. Its also about having a duty of care and a sense of honesty towards each other. So much has changed over the past few months, i have lost/droped so many people whom i considered friends of mine. Sometimes when people ask me why i don't talk to so and so anymore i laugh it of and put in 'guess i just grew the eff up' truth be told,i don't hang out with the same people i did one or two years ago partly because my priorities have changed, like i don't party as much or as irresponsibly as i did back then so all those people who where my favorite 'hang-out' buddies are not in my life anymore. Don't get me wrong, they aren't bad people and i don't hate them but we don't have a common ground anymore. So i have over the time learned how to simply invest less time in some people. I am still a kind person, and i certainly see all of a person's great qualities, so of course i'll always be friendly. I have just become more aware of not investing time with people who don't lift you up, to graciously let go and move on. I am proud of my decisions. .....then after i grew the eff up, i found friends in that grown up arena. Some i had known even before,from my days in campus,but we had not been close. You see in the grown up world, things are different,they are kinda complex. In this one, you need people who can shape you up into a remarkable young adult. Someone who challenges you, inspires you to be better, compliments you, stands by you, someone who is not afraid to give you one hell of a lecture if they think you are messing up and at the same time its gotta be someone who you enjoy being around, someone who is funny and outgoing, someone who you can trust with your people (e.g your lovers or other friends). Someone who teaches you new things not only by saying them but by doing them and leaving you to just observe and learn. I have found amazing people since then. One in particular is my favorite, she isn't new though she has been there but we were not close. She an an amazing person with all the characteristics i mentioned above and many more. The reason i am writing this post is because she taught me something rare, something i had not seen in any of our other friends. She taught me how to be TRUE to each other. I am sure you may not get me clearly but she is the most honest person ever. I think she is BRUTALLY HONEST....but that is why i precisely love her most for. A few months ago she did something that even i couldn't have done had i been in her shoes and for that i am forever grateful to her but she also asked me to always return that favor....and recently i found myself in a situation that requires me to be true to her. Its is the most compromising position i have ever found myself in, ooooh sweet heavens know how much i wish i wasn't aware cause now i am in between a rock and a very very hard place. and i hate it soooo much!! But i have no option, like i said friendship is caring sharing and as much as we hate this part, its also an obligation we have to each other!! I have to play up and be that friend that she is to me. (i hope she doesn't read this before i talk to her,lol) 


There are six billion people on the planet. Pick your friends carefully. I know God hand picked some of my friends for me.....

i was here.............

one of those days i feel ish ish....don't know what exactly that is, but i feel it!!anyway, wanted to share with you this song that motivates me once so often...someday,i will have made my mark somewhere, somehow!!each day is an effort,one step at a time!!!

I wanna do something that matters, say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I wanna do something better with the time I've been given
I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
Leave nothing less than something that says I was here!

The year that was....(2011)

Almost coming to the end of this year, it has been a long one. Full of ups and downs, pain and joy, sorrow and heart aches but it has also been full of overcoming, winning and shinning. So many things have changed; I mean twelve months is a darn long time. And the ‘everything’ whatever it has been, has changed me for the better. I can write about anything and everything but I just want to share with you the things that made my year the year it was….

So much, don’t even know where to start…..anyway best part was (1) I completed my Degree, yes I am now a holder of Bachelor of Laws (Hons) from Moi University. A journey I embarked on 26^th August, 2007 finally came to an end on 16^th December 2011. Never been happier my whole life but most importantly was the feeling I got in seeing my mum’s joy and pride in the lady I have become, the young girl she struggled to raise is now all grown up, mature and a lady of substance…thank you mama, we never let each other down!! (2) I got my first ever job as an intern in a law firm it doesn’t pay much but I know we all have to start somewhere and all the things I have learned in the last six months I wouldn’t have had i not been given the chance to come and learn/work here. (3) my parents got separated, this doesn’t sound like a good thing but it was, to see my mother finally get out of it was one of the most self raising thing she has ever done, don’t get me wrong, my mother is one of the strongest women I know. But for some reason this marriage was one of her greatest un-doing. I remember talking to her and telling her that she cannot keep doing this because she is afraid of what people will say or think, at the end of the day when everybody else is in the comfort of their homes, I reminded her that she will always be alone with her pain, tears and frustration!!! That day she gave me that call, she had made up her mind was another of my good days……so proud of you ma’ finally you realized you don’t always have to settle for less than you deserve, you are a QUEEN!!! (4) I got over my previous relationship and my word!!! This was one of those AHUH moments, just realizing I could actually live without him and still ‘live’…. This was one of the other best thing that happened. I felt empowered, like I had been given a brand new leash on life, and knowing that it hurt him knowing that I had moved on.. Ha-ha didn’t even have time to return calls and texts, DAMN!!! It felt sooo freaking good. (5) okay, after that self uplifting ahuh moment, I got into another relationship…at first, it was good then it got better I was the most loved girl in the universe…then possessiveness and obsession set in and from there it was down hill all the way. Apart from being cheated on, being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust you is the next worst thing. I discovered its better to be trusted than to be loved…thank God that is done and over with!!!so onto the next, hope 2012 has better relationships in store for me… (6) I had the most splendid times with my girlfriends…. (Love them to death), we always there for each other…standing true and honest with each other. They helped me get through most of my difficult moments, they would sit patiently listen to me whine, offered me a shoulder to lean on, hugged and consoled and when it was getting better, they teased and made fun of any situation (those its never that serious moments) and them we would all hit the bar and drink ourselves silly!!!LOVE YOU GIRLS TO BITS and I thank God for bringing you into my life. (7) then to those amazing people I met at work, my boss and my colleagues were just great, through them I learned so much not only work related but also life wise….Charity and Judy, the ladies who taught me to have un wavering faith in a God who is ever present and never changing…thank you!! (8) There were sad things, I lost friends….some we disagreed others we just outgrew each other, grew more apart than we did together. I am not regretful; I have realized that everything happens for a reason, who am I to question God??? So I leave it at that!! (9) this year I grew even more into the ‘I don’t give a fuck attitude’ if you are not my mother, or my brother or if I don’t think you are someone worth impressing, then I gave you the go to hell attitude…I often say im not in the business of impressing people and I am proud to say I lived like that this year, and my mum must have caught this bug too!!way to go Ma’…LOL (10) don’t have much to say about my relationship with God, especially on my side coz I was such a mess. Went to church less than four times the whole year and when life was pushing me against the wall, I rarely remembered to pray….most amazing thing is He stood by me all this time and carried me through things I couldn’t even start to mention, He loved me un-conditionally and wiped my tears, replacing them with the most beautiful smile. He truly is the God of sinners and the lukewarm like me….(hoping to work on this next year)….

(11) last but no least, I want to thank God for the people I love the most in this world; My mama…for being a mother, a mentor, a teacher, my number one fan, my best friend and the love of my life….., My brother Toni; dude we may be miles apart but I always feel the love, care and  admiration you have for me…I love you sooo much, oh!!and congrats for finally marrying the love of your life and my friend Annie, wish you all the happiness in the world, may God guide you through this new beginning!! My favorite girl in the whole wide world….Lorraine Nyambura; you are my kindred spirit twin. With you I can be my very true self. With no shame or fear of being judged. I love you for loving me, understanding me with no questions asked, for guiding me, for always being the listening partner…..i could go on and on and never finish…just know I love you beyond measure!!!!! 

Y’all made my year the way it was…..May God bless you mightly  and love you and always take care of you!!!

The best part of living life this year was not just surviving, but thriving with passion, style, compassion, generosity and humor and finally with kindness……like I did!!!!

Finally, wishing you a merry merry Christmas……make all the merry you can!!! And a prosperous new year…

2012, BRING IT ON!!!!