The year that was....(2011)

Almost coming to the end of this year, it has been a long one. Full of ups and downs, pain and joy, sorrow and heart aches but it has also been full of overcoming, winning and shinning. So many things have changed; I mean twelve months is a darn long time. And the ‘everything’ whatever it has been, has changed me for the better. I can write about anything and everything but I just want to share with you the things that made my year the year it was….

So much, don’t even know where to start…..anyway best part was (1) I completed my Degree, yes I am now a holder of Bachelor of Laws (Hons) from Moi University. A journey I embarked on 26^th August, 2007 finally came to an end on 16^th December 2011. Never been happier my whole life but most importantly was the feeling I got in seeing my mum’s joy and pride in the lady I have become, the young girl she struggled to raise is now all grown up, mature and a lady of substance…thank you mama, we never let each other down!! (2) I got my first ever job as an intern in a law firm it doesn’t pay much but I know we all have to start somewhere and all the things I have learned in the last six months I wouldn’t have had i not been given the chance to come and learn/work here. (3) my parents got separated, this doesn’t sound like a good thing but it was, to see my mother finally get out of it was one of the most self raising thing she has ever done, don’t get me wrong, my mother is one of the strongest women I know. But for some reason this marriage was one of her greatest un-doing. I remember talking to her and telling her that she cannot keep doing this because she is afraid of what people will say or think, at the end of the day when everybody else is in the comfort of their homes, I reminded her that she will always be alone with her pain, tears and frustration!!! That day she gave me that call, she had made up her mind was another of my good days……so proud of you ma’ finally you realized you don’t always have to settle for less than you deserve, you are a QUEEN!!! (4) I got over my previous relationship and my word!!! This was one of those AHUH moments, just realizing I could actually live without him and still ‘live’…. This was one of the other best thing that happened. I felt empowered, like I had been given a brand new leash on life, and knowing that it hurt him knowing that I had moved on.. Ha-ha didn’t even have time to return calls and texts, DAMN!!! It felt sooo freaking good. (5) okay, after that self uplifting ahuh moment, I got into another relationship…at first, it was good then it got better I was the most loved girl in the universe…then possessiveness and obsession set in and from there it was down hill all the way. Apart from being cheated on, being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust you is the next worst thing. I discovered its better to be trusted than to be loved…thank God that is done and over with!!!so onto the next, hope 2012 has better relationships in store for me… (6) I had the most splendid times with my girlfriends…. (Love them to death), we always there for each other…standing true and honest with each other. They helped me get through most of my difficult moments, they would sit patiently listen to me whine, offered me a shoulder to lean on, hugged and consoled and when it was getting better, they teased and made fun of any situation (those its never that serious moments) and them we would all hit the bar and drink ourselves silly!!!LOVE YOU GIRLS TO BITS and I thank God for bringing you into my life. (7) then to those amazing people I met at work, my boss and my colleagues were just great, through them I learned so much not only work related but also life wise….Charity and Judy, the ladies who taught me to have un wavering faith in a God who is ever present and never changing…thank you!! (8) There were sad things, I lost friends….some we disagreed others we just outgrew each other, grew more apart than we did together. I am not regretful; I have realized that everything happens for a reason, who am I to question God??? So I leave it at that!! (9) this year I grew even more into the ‘I don’t give a fuck attitude’ if you are not my mother, or my brother or if I don’t think you are someone worth impressing, then I gave you the go to hell attitude…I often say im not in the business of impressing people and I am proud to say I lived like that this year, and my mum must have caught this bug too!!way to go Ma’…LOL (10) don’t have much to say about my relationship with God, especially on my side coz I was such a mess. Went to church less than four times the whole year and when life was pushing me against the wall, I rarely remembered to pray….most amazing thing is He stood by me all this time and carried me through things I couldn’t even start to mention, He loved me un-conditionally and wiped my tears, replacing them with the most beautiful smile. He truly is the God of sinners and the lukewarm like me….(hoping to work on this next year)….

(11) last but no least, I want to thank God for the people I love the most in this world; My mama…for being a mother, a mentor, a teacher, my number one fan, my best friend and the love of my life….., My brother Toni; dude we may be miles apart but I always feel the love, care and  admiration you have for me…I love you sooo much, oh!!and congrats for finally marrying the love of your life and my friend Annie, wish you all the happiness in the world, may God guide you through this new beginning!! My favorite girl in the whole wide world….Lorraine Nyambura; you are my kindred spirit twin. With you I can be my very true self. With no shame or fear of being judged. I love you for loving me, understanding me with no questions asked, for guiding me, for always being the listening partner…..i could go on and on and never finish…just know I love you beyond measure!!!!! 

Y’all made my year the way it was…..May God bless you mightly  and love you and always take care of you!!!

The best part of living life this year was not just surviving, but thriving with passion, style, compassion, generosity and humor and finally with kindness……like I did!!!!

Finally, wishing you a merry merry Christmas……make all the merry you can!!! And a prosperous new year…

2012, BRING IT ON!!!!

nakupenda,lakini....

Nia yetu tupendane wawili,

sikatai lakini kuna jambo linalo huzunisha,

naogopa wanaokupenda watanipa taabu mimi'

hali ya unyonge sijiwezi...

ukweli nakupenda lakini naogopa.

usiogope wala usitie shaka,

tafadhali usiniwache pweke,

wewe ndio mpigo wa roho yangu,nitaishije bila wewe???

hao wengine hawana maana yoyote maishani mwangu,

wewe pekee ndio kipenzi cha roho yangu.....

elewa mpenzi kama tutapendana,

wapo wengi wabaya watakao jaribu kututenganisha,

usiyaache maneno yao yaje kati yangu mimi na wewe,

wewe ni ua la roho yangu....kipenzi cha maisha yangu

naomba usiniweke pembeni lazizi,

ingawa wapo wengi wazuri...

nilikuchagua wewe!!

tabia zako sawa na sura yako,

nimeridhika kuwa na wewe mami....

wewe ni sabuni wa moyo.....mpigo wa roho yangu!!!

nitawezaje kuishi bila wewe???

Lately........

i haven't been updating my blog but i never stopped reading.i am at a difficult place in life.how do i know this??well,i haven't written on my blog or journal for the last...almost one and a half months.i have lost touch with my inner self and with my surroundings.life has lately been from one fall to another,almost so close together leaving me with no space to breath,digest stuff,exhale and vent ..i have almost become numb to the pain,can't remember the last time i cried,not because i don't have pain but because I've learned that pain doesn't hurt when its all you feel.my life is practically falling down,crumbling and disintegrating piece by piece,i have no idea how to hold it together,i have no clue how to save myself.worst part is,i really have no control over whats happening.it started with my cunning excuse of a boyfriend,after running out of my life for almost four months with no word or any sort of communication whatsoever,he showed up,out of nowhere.he called me,and silly me.....yes i said silly me,i went running almost with the same speed he had used to run away from me...it was like a fling felt sooooo freaking good and silly me again forgot that when its too good,i should think twice....and as we all know,flings don't freaking last!!!so its now over,ended too fast!i have been thinking,long and good about it,and now it doesn't hurt like it did a week ago..i like telling my friends that it hurts while it heals and when that time came,it was my turn to take my own advise,however hard and unrealistic it felt,i did,i stood by those very words and now i know i was never wrong.....its healing,slowly but surely!!

i have learned a whole hell of a lot this time round...i now know that not everybody deserves a second chance,and especially the EX!!they don't,coz this people (men) they don't change,the reason why you broke up with them in the first instance is probably going to be the same one you break up with them the second time....and the vicious cycle continues...what i am yet to get over is the fact that it will still hurt as much as it did the first time,thats how the heart is,it never gets used to this things!!so i have come to a very wise conclusion,genious if i may call it so...that i can not keep giving people second chances...why you ask??because i am not God!!!and i can not love everyone and keep being nice to them no matter what they do to me,or how the do or don't treat me...why again??because i am no Mother Teresa!!even though i am an avid reader of the Bible,and i hold its teachings close to me,but then again i am human i get hurt and i have pain..i can't keep giving people an opportunity to hurt whenever they please....for me to be able to love others,i must start with loving myself...this way i am able to discern if the love they give back to me is the kind i really deserve....so yet again,i'll do what i do best when i hurt and i am vulnerable...i'll lock everybody out...just for some me time(thats what they call it right??) just wonna be alone,with myself and my thoughts and my dreams and hopes.....to concentrete on my school work and other things that really do matter....you may call it solitude,thats fine with me...i believe i am going to be fine,i'll keep praying coz i know that there is power in a praying woman,she might fall but she never drops...i pray the He may guide my steps and guard my thoughts,that He may give me peace and good health,that He may protect me from harm and hurt,that He may give me success,wealth and prosperity....and when i can not find the words to ask Him for all this,that He may read my mind.....

You can't keep a good woman down,i refuse to be kept down!!!!........

Been a long day.....by Rosi Golan

It's been a long day
And all I've gotta say is make it strong
It's been a long day
And all I've gotta say is I've been wrong
So take a leave of absence
Tell me you'll be gone
I don't wanna see your face
It's been a long day
And I just wanna hide away

It's been a long week
And all the lines come down heavy on me
It's been a long week
I'm finally feeling like it's okay to break
Into a thousand pieces
No one can replace
Only I can find my way
It's been a long day
And I just wanna hide away

It's been a long year
And everyone around me is disappearing
It's been a long year
And all this mess around me is finally clear
So can I have a moment
Just to say hello
Can you let your anger go
It's been a long year
And I'm finally ready to be here

                               ~sometimes......okay most times i usually don't have the words to express what i feel or what i am going through....but music never fails me....it has really been a long year!But it gets better....all i need is grace to endure,a little more;one day at a time~

A Prayer by Max Ehrmann

Let me do my work each day; and if the darkened hours of despair overcome me, may I not forget the strength that comforted me in the desolation of other times.

May I still remember the bright hours that found me walking over the silent hills of my childhood, or dreaming on the margin of a quiet river, when a light glowed within me, and I promised my early God to have courage amid the tempests of the changing years.

Spare me from bitterness and from the sharp passions of unguarded moments. May I not forget that poverty and riches are of the spirit. 

Though the world knows me not, may my thoughts and actions be such as shall keep me friendly with myself.

Lift up my eyes from the earth, and let me not forget the uses of the stars.  Forbid that I should judge others lest I condemn myself. 

Let me not follow the clamor of the world, but walk calmly in my path.

Give me a few friends who will love me for what I am; and keep ever burning before my vagrant steps the kindly light of hope.

And though age and infirmity overtake me, and I come not within sight of the castle of my dreams, teach me still to be thankful for life, and for time's olden memories that are good and sweet; and may the evening's twilight find me gentle still.

                                                                                 

dear once friend of mine

dear once friend of mine,

its been almost one year since we talked, since we saw each other eye to eye, and i can't help but miss you.... its so sad that a friendship like the one we had could be destroyed by mere words, but this words were strong and a reflection of what we thought about each other but could never say....i don't fault you neither do i fault myself because friendship is so many things, sometimes its protecting each other even if it means lying.....(you what they say about lying so as not to hurt those we love? well its true, there's something like that!) well days have passed and we have changed so much, we don't have the same kind of friends or interests,we don't even collide on the street anymore....its like there's a whole Pacific or Atlantic in between our worlds!! The mass of water and maybe icebergs that keep us apart is our pride,our egos....

Truth be told....

you are the best friend i ever had and will ever have....you knew me right from the day i was born(you were young though), you were there on my first day to school,my first game i played with you, my baptism, my first love, my first heartbreak, my first greatest mistake.....you were the sister that my mother did not bear....you are the only one who knew me inside and outside...

if i could talk to you right now, i would tell you all the things about you/us that is miss and hold so dear;

i would tell you how i miss your cheeky little laugh.

i would tell you how i miss taking long walks home with you,

i would tell you how i miss our silly little jokes that only us understood,

i would tell you just how much i miss sharing our day's experience,

i would tell you how i miss cooking and cleaning with,the way you clean and i rinse....

i would tell you how i miss watching series with you,how we would discuss them later,how we would argue who is hotter than who,how we would exchange them and recommend to each which one to watch first....

i would remind how we stayed up late at night talking about our boyfriends,

i would remind you how happy we were for when our love lives were going so well,

i would tell you how much i miss those endless conversations about almost anything,

i would tell you how much i miss your selflessness,like the way we shared staff half-half...

how i miss our sleepovers...how i miss how we made fun of people and situations,how nothing was ever too big for us...how we were wild and free and how we loved taking risks....

i would tell you how much i miss shopping with you...when we were broke and when we were 'rich' haha 

how we wouldn't make plans separately coz we always had each others back, everybody thought we were joint at the hip......

i would tell you how much i miss sharing my dreams and inspirations with you,

i would tell you also about all my successes and goals that have come true,

i would tell you of the new loves that i have found and lost,

i would tell you of all the new places i have visited and the new people i have found,

i would tell you of all the mistakes i have made,of all the chances i let pass by,of all the wrong choices i have made and even of the small and big things i regret....

all these because i know that i could be real with you....

i would tell you how much i am proud of the person you have become,

i would tell you how happy your success makes me,

i would tell that i still pray for you,

i would tell you that you deserve all that and so much more,

i would thank you for teaching me how to take pride in all the little things that make me who i am,

i would remind you just how hungry we were for success and how happy i am that we find it,

i would tell that i am now done with my degree and hoping to graduate soon,

how i wish that we were still friends or how i miss just knowing whats going on your world now...

how i don't know what to tell people when they ask why they don't see us together anymore,i would love to know your side of the story,

i would like to know if you miss me or if you think of me as often as i think of you...

there's sooooo much i would like to tell...sooo much i would like to know but i probably never will....

             ~Friendship must never be buried under the weight of misunderstanding.~
                                                            Sri Chinmoy

all in all i do love you once friend of mine......and i do miss you a whole bunch....all the above and more are things i hope i could say to you,nut since i know i may never find the right forum or even time....i hope that you stumble on my blog and read for yourself!!!